Romantic Love vs. Journey into Love
“Falling in love you remain a child; rising in love you mature. By and by love becomes not a relationship, it becomes a state of your being. Not that you are in love – now you are love.” Osho
Sometime ago I decided to find the time to write about this topic which I find important.
Have you been in love with a man or a woman?!
Most of us have felt butterflies in the stomach and lots of emotions just before she/he came at the date.
It is that moment when we feel a lot of energy and joy in our hearts. We desire to embrace every un-known pedestrian. We laugh a lot and dream so much. It is like everything suddenly becomes possible.
That is the moment when we “fall in love”. And also the “honeymoon” starts.
We start to fantasize that we found the “One”. Prince charming or Cinderella. We feel complete, everything makes sense in our lives. Suddenly you feel that life will not be the same anymore without the loved one.
This DREAM of meeting the “the One” is the source of “falling” into a “romantic love”. Somehow we expect that when we finally meet him/ her to be complete, fulfilled and in grace until the end of life.
That is totally non-sense.
Look around! How many people do you see really happy for a long time in relationships?
After a few months or years the “love is gone” as says the song of David Guetta.
Very simple. The hormones are over. There is an increase of adrenaline that makes you feel up in the sky “for a while”. It is scientifically proved that after from 3 months to 2-3 yrs, the adrenaline decreases in intensity until it is over.
Imagine you take a “montagne rousse”. This is falling in love. An intense moment of enthusiasm, joy, aliveness for a relatively short period of time. How long can your body support this great intensity? For sure, not all life. He starts to say: “Heiii…i need a break!”
Another why this is totally childish, is that, we somehow expect to meet “the loving parent” that we never had. We expect to receive the love and worthiness we did not received as children. It is “the inner child” who comes out through the other door hopping to grab some “cakes”.
BUT, if you are wise and lucky, you can “use” this extra-energy to become clear of what you want and don’t want, to set boundaries and create a more conscious way of relating.
Simply because the end of the “hormones zone” or honeymoon period, is not the end of the relationship. It is just the beginning. A new phase can start if you allow it to happen.
It is the phase of “conscious love”. It starts with the “Choice” of creating together this milieu of growing into Love. It comes from a deep understanding that Love is not ready-made. It is a “process”, a journey. Into self-actualisation, awareness and friendliness. On the other side, falling in love is “a happening” not a choice.
Contrary, a romantic relationship is more of a “going with the flow” experience, from falling in love to discovering that you are dependent on another and you “fall into” the partner’s presence and love and expectations…, until finally you discover that you cannot separate anymore, even if you want to, because of habit and out of so called “safety”.
AND….a relationship as a journey needs for sure some “guidance”. That I find important on the way towards a more conscious relating:
- Realize that the “basic” value is and should be “Growing” into more awareness and love! From unconscious patterns, fears, unexpressed needs to a way of living clear and loving.
- Growing implies automatically that, there will be moments of joy, aliveness, passion and creativity. Also moments of pain, confusion, frustration, anger, sadness etc. The essential becomes “awareness” instead of choosing to avoid pain for the pleasure.
- Most of the time, we do not attract into our lives, people that we want, but people that will help us discover new faces, new aspects, that will support us to grow ( for ex: somebody with a fear of abandonment will attract another who is emotional un-available).
- One of the main keys in relating is through taking full responsability for “my reactions”, feelings, emotions, thoughts. If I criticize or blame you, this is just about me. The other is just a “mirror”.
- In a “journey”, we consciously choose the way we want to live, the “values” that stands for us. In Love, Empathy, Freedom, Friendship. And we guide our trip according to them. Take time to discuss about it together.
- We communicate with awareness, clarity and with full responsibility for our own needs and wantings.
- I consciously take time for myself just to be “alone”. There is essential as water to just stay alone sometimes. To redefine myself or to charge with energy from my own passions and hobbies.
- Take energy also from outside the relationship! Meet your friends, practice your yoga, run, have a beer just your men-friends, or as a woman, be in a woman group from time to time.
- Take charge! BE pro-active! Get out of the victim! Ask yourself: What could I do in this situation?…
- Understand that certain reactions come from the past! Take “space” and be sensitive and compassionate! To yourself and the partner.
- Always be in contact with your “needs”! Accept the difference of needs from time to time!
- Don’t be too serious! Celebrate and be crazy just a like a child sometimes! And Laugh more!
Finally, Get out of the Dream! Be REAL and B Wise! LIVE life as it unfolds, not as you want it to be! Learn from every relating experience you have!
“Love needs to be learned. It is not a ready-made product.”
And, in case you wanna’ join, come for more exercises, tools, interactivity in the workshop that I will facilitate in Brussels between 23-24 Jan, 2016. covering the topic of Tantric Sex and Conscious Masculinity. Details soon! 🙂
See you. And Thank you for reading this post.
“Relationship is an opportunity to see a reflection of everything that is not loving, not healed within us.” Andrew Barnes